DiNozzo's Halloween
by You-won't-see-an-iguana-here
Summary: Quotes from "Very" Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo in the episodes: Witch Hunt, Murder 2.0, and Code Of Conduct. ****** ALL RIGHTS TO CBS, NCIS, USA, AND DONALD ****** HAPPY HALLOWEEN


**ALL RIGHTS TO CBS, NCIS, USA, AND DONALD- Happy halloween!**

*******WITCH HUNT(4.06)*******

**Ducky**: Ah, there you are. Is [Abby] here yet?

**Jimmy**: Oh, she's here. And she is in costume.

**Tony**: Oh, yeah? What's it like?

**Jimmy**: Trust me, you wouldn't want me to ruin the surprise.

* * *

**Tony**: Last time I did Halloween I was an astronaut. The neighborhood I grew up in, well it wasn't really a neighborhood; there were these estates with mansions smack dab in the middle of them. And really long driveways. Made Halloween very tricky. It's a lot of walking. God my feet were tired that night. Dogs were barking.

**McGee**: Yeah, I gotta imagine it really sucks growing up rich like that.

**Tony**: My costume was fantastic though. Wicked awesome. I was a spaceman. No ventilation though. I was sweating like Roger Federer after a five-set tie breaker. And stinky. Stinky like cheese. But man what a haul. I made off with more candy than I could carry.

**McGee**: God, I imagine this story's coming to an end soon.

**Tony**: But when I got home, old man made me throw it all away. Even the apples.

**McGee**: He was concerned about your teeth.

**Tony**: Oh... no. I made my astronaut suit out of one of this $3000 designer ski suits.

**McGee**: Ouch.

**Tony**: I don't think I sat down again 'til Christmas

* * *

**McGee**: Abby is right, I am three cans short of a six pack.

**Tony**: She was talking about your abs, McFlabby

* * *

**Abby**: Tony, there is nothing scary about a zombie dragging its butt around!

**Tony**: Well, a zombie isn't a zombie unless it's dragging its butt around.

**McGee**: You liked _28 Days Later_. Those zombies were really quick.

**Tony**: _(angry)_ Okay, enough with the zombies already

* * *

**Ziva**: Aw, my poor little McGee! There'll be other elf queens online.

**Tony**: She's right. Of course they won't be Redskins cheerleaders and they'll probably weigh a few thousand pounds.

**Ziva**: Not to mention there's a good chance some of them are probably men.

* * *

**Tony**: ...Your description of car is... car.

* * *

**McGee**: It's a snow elf... and I'm going to a costume party okay?

**Tony**: It's far from okay Probie... in fact, I'd say that this is taking geek one step beyond.

* * *

**Tony**: I knew you played a fairy on that online game... but dressing up as one?

* * *

**McGee**: Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up the blood.

**Tony**: Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

* * *

**Ducky**: Release the captives Mr. Palmer!

_(Palmer releases the delinquent youths)_

**Tony**: Nice work, Palmer!

**Palmer**: It wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.

**Ducky**: Oh please! It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

* * *

**Tony**: You got a time of death on the great pumpkin here, Charlie Brown?

* * *

**T****ony**: McGeek with the save!

* * *

**Tony**: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!

**McGee**: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.

**Tony**: I hate Halloween.

* * *

**Tony**: It's Halloween, Ziva. It's an American holiday...

**Ziva**: I know, the wearing of silly costumes and begging for treats. I imagine it's a DiNozzo National Holiday.

* * *

**Tony**: The only thing I hate worse than Halloween are Klingons.

**Klingon**: Look, ask 'em, okay? Ask the guy in the cheesehead hat, ask, uh, the vampire, David Lee Roth, Carrot-man, ask him!

**Carrot-Man**: This has gone far enough. I happen to be a lawyer.

**Tony**: Good! The only thing I hate worse than Klingons are lawyers!

* * *

**Tony**: Every day is Halloween to Abby.

* * *

**Tony**: You speak Klingon?

**McGee**: Not fluently, but yes.

* * *

**Tony**: It's not easy being a root vegetable, is it?

**Abby**: Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have food in my teeth or something?

**Tony**: I'll just stick with "or something.

* * *

*******Murder 2.0 (4.06)*******

**Tony**: My mother isn't quite herself today. _(Ziva stares at him)_ _Psycho_.

**Ziva**: You certainly have your moments.

* * *

**Tony**: Mother, blood, blood!

**Ziva**: _Psycho_.

**Gibbs**: He has his moments

* * *

**McGee**: Where is that?

**Tony**: Sears Tower, Chicago.

**Gibbs**: _(for next picture)_ Moscow.

**Ziva**: _(for next picture)_ Rio.

**Tony**: Death by jet lag?

* * *

**Ziva**: _(to McGee)_ Today is not your lucky day!

**Tony**: It is Halloween later this week.

**McGee**: And I did see a black cat this morning! Well, it was dark brown.

* * *

**Tony**: Wish you had stayed in the car, Boss.

**Gibbs**: DiNozzo, will you shut up or I'm gonna shoot you!

* * *

**McGee**: My CPU is too small.

**Tony**: I'm going to let that one slide.

* * *

**Tony**: Nice girl. She wasn't my type.

**Ziva**: Really? She was breathing.

**Tony**: Yes, but I have standards, Ziva. Otherwise, I'd be dating you!

* * *

**McGee**: He donated his sperm.

**Tony**: Ah, the things people do for money.

**Ziva**: You donated your sperm!

**Tony**: Yes, but not for money. Just to enrich the world.

* * *

**Ziva**: (_referring to McGee's possession of her photos_) What do you think he's doing with them?

**Tony**: I would rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that.

* * *

*******Code of Conduct (7.05)*******

**Ziva**: Does your gut ever give you stomachache, Tony?

**Tony**: Keep snickering while I'm over here breaking the case.

* * *

_(Ziva knocks on door)_

**Mr. Rogers**: There's no candy here.

**Ziva**: NCIS. We don't want candy.

**Tony**: Speak for yourself David. Open up, or we'll send the kids in.

* * *

**Tony**: Your porch light's on; means you have candy, it's standard Halloween etiquette.

* * *

**Tony**: Energy drinks, just what this holiday needed. Their parents are going to love you.

* * *

**Tony**: Probies, stop! Talk louder, I can hear you in there. _(Enters the mens room.)_

**Ziva**: _(Shouting at mens room door)_ Tony, McGee has been here for six years. I have been here for four. I know you are enjoying this, but we are Agents, so could you _please_ stop calling us...

_(Gibbs strolls out of the mens room and addresses Ziva)_

**Gibbs**: Problem, Probie? You've been an agent for all of one week. Your Mossad Liaison days are over.

* * *

**Tony**: I don't trust a guy who doesn't give candy to kids.

* * *

**Tony**: I didn't keep the money, McNopoly. I gave it to charity -- an urban youth group.

**Tony**: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. Nice sweater, by the way.

* * *

**Ziva**: I have been thinking about my place as a new agent, and your place as....

**Tony**: As your superior in every way.

**Ziva**: Yes. But for my sanity, can you not call me Probie?

**Tony**: But I say it with love. _(Ziva narrows her eyes at Tony, and he continues)_ And if I refuse?

**Ziva**: You are Senior Field Agent, and I am – entirely – at your mercy."

**Tony**: As you should be.

* * *


End file.
